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Fat Fanny, Skinny Jeans?

Updated: Sep 6, 2019

I can think of another word that would fit nicely in my title, but this one is more polite.

My apologies if the word fanny offends, please substitute it's more polite but markedly less punchy cousins: Donkey, Posterior, Rump, Backside, Bottom, Caboose, Behind, Butt, I missing any?

My lack of censure in my title selection is directly related to the HOUR I spent trying on jeans and running pants at Kohl's. An HOUR in the fitting room, or maybe it was longer, certainly felt longer. My saddlebags are chafed from the on-off on-off of denim, most of it too tight with my wishful thinking size selection.

I weigh 175ish pounds and am 5'10". I am a snug size 14 or a roomy size 16. I have an hourglass figure which they say is ideal but I think there are more hours than glass in mine. After having two kidlets back to back, I have lost the baby weight and am currently working to loose the "Happy Marriage plus Boring Job Above a Bakery and around the corner from a Chocolate Shop" weight.

My jeans are big enough on me that even using a belt is getting comical. And annoying. So I went jeans shopping.

I tried on too tight, too loose, too long, too short. I tried on a skinny jean even though I do not embrace trendy until it is out of style, then I think ,"OH! I kind of like that. Whaddya mean that isn't "IN" anymore? It was last year? Oh." I think it takes me about a year of seeing a trend to absorb it and find part of it I like. So this skinny jean thing, even with the aforementioned Fat Fanny I thought I might try it. Even though I've heard a lifetime of "Bootcut jeans will balance your hips" for some reason I felt interested in something sleeker. I tried on skinny jeans...and didn't cry!

I felt thinner, sexier and hipper than I had in...uh...well I guess always. I tried on safer pairs. I re-tried on all my 'maybes'. I got tired of chafing and went to the running pants for awhile. I found two that would work for classes or running or pretending to go to the YMCA at five AM while my husband and babies sleep but really stopping for donuts, coffee and a magazine. (Hi Honey!) (Just kidding...but it sounds good, doesn't it?) Then I tried on my finalists in the jeans competition again.

I liked the skinnies. I felt good in them. I thought they should come home with me to make me happy. I pulled out my phone to Facebook my pals and ask if curvy girls could get away with skinny jeans. I didn't Facebook. I thought about who I should call to ask for an honest opinion. I worried that a 40 year old was fooling herself if she thought skinny jeans were a good idea. I didn't call. I decided to give myself permission to be on trend and sexy and sassy and skinny. I gave myself permission, approval and encouragement. I bought 'em.

When I got home, and "Before and After'ed" my husband the HUGE difference between my size 16 bootcuts and the size 14 skinny jeans, I had a revelation.

They were not good on me. Yes I am sassy and yes I am thinner and YES I need smaller, fitter jeans. But not skinny jeans. Not for me. My husband said they looked good. (BUT he also said not to wear them around him Mom because she wouldn't understand.) I felt good in them, but I knew they needed to go back to the store.

I am a stay at home mama and I don't go out on the town to need sexy jeans. I do not have a large wardrobe and a surplus of jeans, I have two pair usually that I wear. Skinny jeans would stand out too much, I would think about them too much, I wouldn't want to wear them to church. I am raising two little girls and writing and crocheting and cooking and geocaching and reading and playgrouping and I just do not have the time to spend thinking, weighing, worrying about my jeans. (That and I wear them a lot, so they need to be a bit more classic to blend in!)

This morning in church I noticed women my shape wearing skinny jeans and it wasn't all that foxy. Plus it was in church, so here I am studying bums and thinking about fashion instead of Jesus. I wonder if He would like skinny jeans? I'm guessing no. At least not with a fat fanny. And I won't be wearing them when my posterior is skinnier either....since they will be out of style then anyway.

What about you? What do you think about Curvy girls and skinny jeans? When I did ask my FB friends after the fact, it was amazing the quantity of responses. What about you?

NOTE: I ended up with Levi's "Perfect Waist" straight leg jeans. Compared to what I have been wearing, they ARE skinny jeans!!!

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